my parents are evil, ive been working my entire life to make them proud. they always find something to complain about. IM NOT EVEN 18 AND IVE PERFORMED IN CARNAGIE FUCKING HALL AND THEY THINK NOTHING OF IT. i struggle in school, i met someone who actually motivated me to do better. she also helped me come out of my shell, i used to go to carmel highschool, a massive public school in indiana. after having horrible teachers who got mad at me due to learning disabilities, i went to a private school which is where i went on to meet julia. im glad i met her because before her i was a homophobic pan sexual, if that makes any sense to anyone. it shouldn’t, i have trouble forgiving myself for the shit i gave gay people. it makes me suicidal when i think about it. i come from a family of 8 where im 6th oldest overall but im the oldest guy. i have always been fond of crossdressing. im a goth at heart but ive been scared to express myself because I have predicted that if i do i’ll get kicked out of my home. i came home to my dads house one day from julias house with nail polish and eyeliner. i almost got kicked out, it was more of a threat. my step dad abuses my dogs and has told me multiple times, only when im alone, that my happiness is a secondary concearn. my mom loves him so i try not to fight with him. my mom is unreasonable though. three weeks into summer i fucked up, i had a suicide attempt after a fight with julia. my mom decided to limit my contact with her. i figured i could handle it for about a month, but a month passed and she took away my contact with julia completely. the day before that my mom took my phone and read through everything, my facebook, julias facebook, my twitter, my tumblr. after reading through julias facebook she found out that we’ve had sex, alot. Julia and i were super careful though, we used lots of condoms birth control and had safe words and stuff to make it safe. that didnt really phaze my mom. she told me i could earn back contact 2 weeks went by and i got really suicidal and asked to talk to julia. my mom said no regardless of circumstances. i go through paralysis when i get stressed. i started screaming for help in my room because i couldnt move. my step dad pulled my mom out and told her that they should just leave me alone because i cant hurt myself if im paralyzed. that freaked me out. i spent a lot of time screaming and sobbing. they called my dad to have him tell me what im doing was rediculous and that i need to stop. i just sobbed even more. an hour passed and i could barely move but i could feel my upperhalf. i punched behind me and ended up putting holes in my wall. i couldnt get my parents attention. they refuse to help me. me being in pain doesnt hurt anyone so its not a problem. i snapped at that point because i only wanted to feel human. so when i could move i threw myself off my loft bed and tried to land on my neck. i failed and nothing happened. i have shunts, 2 of them actually, so i tried to break them since i no longer had access to my meds. i broke a bamboo stick, shattered it, on my head, i stabbed my leg 3-4 times with a thumb tack then my mom came in and told me that im being manipulative and i needed to stop. she told me i didnt actually want to kill them and i told her to test me and see for herself. she got close, i jumped up and walked toward her and she covered her face. i backed off because i couldnt hurt my mom, she raised me and being pissed at her in the moment doesnt change anything. the problem was that i didnt feel like they cared, thats all i wanted. i had no hhuman contact in the two weeks before this. im still not allowed but i needed to vent. so i had no one to talk to. im sensitive shy and peaceful with intent. i was basically in shreds without people in my life. they told me if i wanted someone to talk to that i could call my cousin or something. my parents have a history. if you tell them anything they take action. they searched through my sisters diary when she was 17 found out that when she was 15 she tried pot and they locked her in her room for the entire summer. i dont feel safe writing about this stuff, also if i talk to someone they know im scared because they’ll tell my parents how feel. my dad finally came in and dared me to hit him, i started just throwing my fists at him. he terrifys me, im 5ft4 and skinny hes 5ft9 and does competitive iron man triathlons and does good. he told me i had two options, either a stress center, or jail. i voluntarily checked into inpatient. i met someone there who made me feel human but i took a little too much liking to them while i was there. the staff was astounded by how well i did, they said they wouldve never had guessed that i was defiant because i did everything they asked without complaint. now i did break their rules when i made out with jasmine in the bathroom. they never caught us though. i basically cheated on julia at that point. when i got back i learned she did some things that were damaging to our relationship, that doesnt justify my actions though. when i went to inpatient i was pissed though at julia. i spent so much time telling her i didn’t want her doing drugs, so much time. i skype called her after my sisters wedding because i saw some of her posts and asked her if she had done drugs and she seemed mad at me for being disappointed. i was going to break up with her but my phone died and i wasnt supposed to be talking to her. thats what happened right before in patient. when i got out of inpatient i broke rules immediately notifying julia of how badly i fucked up. then to add to it i learned that something awful happened to her while i was inpatient. i dont know if she would be comfortable with me saying what. i asked my parents if i could see her immediately. they told me they were mad at me for breaking their rules. i told them that i was willing to take the consequences later but i needed to see julia right now. they told me she wasnt their child so they shouldn’t be concearned about her, they wanted me to be safe. i cut the ever living hell out of my wrist right after that. my parents got mad at me for cutting, they didnt really care that i was in pain. after this i made my own cigarettes. my baby was in inpatient and my parents explained to me that if im still like this when i turn 18 that they’d testify to the court to keep me under their control for longer. they coud do it too, my dad has a shared ownership in a lawyer company in indiana, my step dad is vice president of rolls royce engineering, and my mom is in charge of the obgyn practice of both st vincents and clarian north. i am understanding that i am financialy well off, ive been aware of it my entire life. julias family is not well off, but they’re all such good people that i was happy without money while i was there. “just like flowers dont get to choose where they bloom, children don’t get to choose their parents.”-Erza Scarlet(FairyTale) i would be able to handle straight up physical abuse because its illegal and i could file them for it but they are doing whats legal both emotionally and physically. i got removed from outpatient two weeks into all of this because i dominated the conversation apparently. after all this i was fed up with life. i got sent to a residential facility. ive never been so scared in my entire life. the shit i saw in residential is something i never want to go through again. my roommate broke a window on my first day. i had to sign a contract meeting my parents request to leave. if i freaked out even once while i was there then id be stuck there for a lot longer. the agreement was id get a job and go to school and not fight my parents. they decided that i wasnt going back to the school that was perfect for me because julia was there. i was a drop out for two weeks. i later learned julia got kicked out, her mom got fired, and julias dad was being watched by cps, mostly just so that i could go back to midwest. they tore apart julias family and they forced me to work somewhere stereotypically run. i woudve preferably worked at hot topic because its kickass. but i cant get fired or else its off to boarding school. there is someone at school that makes me anxious to a point where i pass out in their presence kinda like haki in one piece. but if i miss a single day of school its off to boarding school. i still have no contact with people. yesterday i broke up with julia because she was flirting sexually with someone else. she may not want to admit it but she wont kill her self if i leave her and shes interested in someone else. she’ll go to the other person and be convinced that they’re amazing at everything because they’re right there with her and im alone not able to help. i want the best for her, and asking her to stay with me isnt best. yea im horribly depressed to lose a girl i love to someone else for the 3rd time in my life but if shes happy, like the past two people i dated went on to be, then i’ll feel ok with myself. i just miss her…. what do i do now?
i drew this picture in the residential i went to because someone convinced me that this would happen, i made such a mess when i made it. i threw black paint and lil blood marks all over it